While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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