Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you never un-have a 4some
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
