Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize