don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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