You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
