The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
