You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
