My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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