I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
