sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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