I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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