I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
