Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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