I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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