I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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