I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I need to sanitize my soul.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
