I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
