you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
