Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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