Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When did angry sex become our thing?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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