I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
two words: eviction party
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
