the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
