I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
