Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
