Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
