dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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