Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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