dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Found your dick twin last night
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
