Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
smell my finger.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
