I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize