Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize