Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize