census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
