I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
