Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize