Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
