Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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