Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
