im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
pop tarts are not kleenex
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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