I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
