I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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