I just threw up on my dentist
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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