My friends, they love my intelligence
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize