I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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