I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Actions speak louder than pants.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize