Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
