Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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