So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
should my penis look like a turkey
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
