if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
