Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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