I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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