i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
