i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
