I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
