tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
