Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
