Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
