just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
