I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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