shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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