these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i love accidental penises.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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