my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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