It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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