Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
