I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
