yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize