remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
