She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
